The Emoji Movie
Director - Tony Leondis
Cast - TJ Miller, Anna Faris, James Corden, Patrick Stewart
Rating - 0.5/5
Your time is valuable. So is mine. You’ve clicked on this presumably because – either for a fleeting moment, or perhaps longer – you flirted with the idea of watching the Emoji Movie. And before the first paragraph of this review is over, you will have your answer. Don’t.
It would be in both our interests if we were to keep this as brief as possible. Like I said: The less time spent talking about the Emoji Movie, the less time spent thinking about the Emoji Movie – this vile piece of corporate propaganda – the better. After all, there are endless, more enjoyable alternatives available. You could, if the opportunity presented itself, agree to have your fingers sawed off with a blunt knife – forever rendering you incapable of using emojis at all. Or, you could purchase a dictionary, read it from cover to cover, and vow to never use an upside down smiley ever again.
But it’s only natural to be curious. Perhaps by now word of the Emoji Movie’s awfulness has reached your ears, and you want to see for yourself if everyone’s right (they are, you guys). But if you’re going to pull the trigger anyway, despite these warnings, it’s only my duty to inform you that you’d be better off committing that long-overdue murder you’d been plotting instead. The sweet, sweet release of a lifetime of rigourous imprisonment would be a cinch compared to the POW torture chamber experience of having to sit through 86 minutes of the Emoji Movie.
But what if you have no option, I hear you ask. What if you have kids who want to see it, and won’t take no for an answer? Well, while you’re booking those tickets, you might as well turn yourself in at the police station too, because making a child watch this is neglect at best, and ill-treatment at worst.
And what if, after successfully avoiding it now, you find yourself on a plane a few months down the road, and the only thing that’s on is the Emoji Movie. Might I suggest taking a deep breath (use the oxygen mask if needed), and yelling ‘bomb’ as loud as you can. A minor arrest is worth it, you can rest assured, if it means not having to watch the Emoji Movie.
As far as bad ideas go, it’s certainly not the worst. If I recall correctly, Oscar winner Adrien Brody once starred in a movie called InAppropriate Comedy (possibly after losing a bet), in which offensive apps sprang to life. But that movie knew it was bonkers. For some odd reason, the Emoji Movie is under the delusion that it’s The Lego Movie or Inside Out, when truth be told, it isn’t even as deep as a recent, 10-minute-long AIB sketch with a similar set-up.
It makes you genuinely lose faith in the Hollywood studio system. How could talented artists, who face rejection on a daily basis, spend decades without getting the opportunity to realise their dreams, while $50 million is devoted to producing this trash?
But if there’s one thing this movie proves – besides the fact that serious introspection is necessary at Sony Pictures – it’s that no matter how legendary a performer you may be, if the right amount of money is waved in front of your face, you’d do anything. It’s one thing for TJ Miller to play the lead character in the Emoji Movie – perhaps only to see if anyone would notice the connection between this and his character in Deadpool, who joked about mistaking the poop emoji for chocolate flavoured fro-yo. But for Sir Patrick Stewart to agree to this – even for a lark – is mildly unnerving. Watching him make poop jokes was akin to hearing Sir Anthony Hopkins say “that’s a bitchin’ car,” in Transformers: The Last Knight.
There is, of course, the temptation to insert a few emojis here, because as this movie suggests, who needs words anyway? But no emoji can accurately convey the darkness in movie’s greedy heart. No pukey face can describe the utter rancidness of this film. Even being exposed to a minute of this ‘film’ is enough to make you want to wash your hands afterwards. And to burn your clothes.
Watch the Emoji Movie trailer here